ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:
DO NOT LOSE YOUR GRANDKIDS IN THE MALL!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "what's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits".

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know what they are, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

An old man is sitting on his porch one morning. He notices a small boy walking along. "Whatcha got there boy?" the old man asks.

"Chicken wire, so I can catch me some chickens" replies the lad.

"Boy, you ain't gonna catch no chickens." Later that afternoon here comes the boy with about 30 chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire.

The next morning the old man is sitting there and here comes the boy again. "Whatcha got there boy?" the old man asks.

"Duck tape, so I can catch me some ducks" replies the boy once more.

"Boy, you ain't going to catch no ducks." Again, here comes the boy with about 30 ducks later that day. The old man is impressed but still hesitant.

The next morning here comes the boy again. "Whatcha got there boy?" the old man asks.

"Pussy willows" replies the boy.

The old man thinks for a second and says "Hold on boy, let me get my hat."

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately,there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!

It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!". He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of teddy bears all set up neatly around the room - small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she thinks it's kind of cute and decides not to mention this to him.

She turns to him, they kiss and then immediately have their way with each other. After an intense amount of passion, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, so, how was it?"

The man says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Another one Steve found....

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same
day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask
me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and
then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and
chilly." The old man stood there and looked extremely concerned.

The doctor just shook his head. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor
said: "Everything appears to be fine with you. Do you have any medical concerns
that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns, that everything was just
dandy. The doctor then told her: "Well, your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with
you and then cold and chilly after the second time.

Would you happen to know why?"

"Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Heh. The joke's on me.